Imagine being at the scene of this picture. Sitting by the seashore as the sun sets around you. The land around you is as black as the night. It is like everything dies down for the sun to set. The grass you sit on towers above you, as if you are a two story building with skyscrapers encircling you. The crisp air is attracted to you as it smashes into your body. The smell of the sea rushes up through your nostrils. The stench of sea water is so bad that you could almost taste it. The sound, in a way, is like that of the sounds of a busy road. The insects come out in the night, which may be irritating, but they are only doing their job. The sound of the seaside would be music to your ears. The relaxing sound of water, sloshing around as it comes together with the land. Each ripple is enough to summon the waves. Alone in the glistening light. The sunset is enough to brighten your life. Now envision it.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
#3 Can't you just picture it?
Imagine being at the scene of this picture. Sitting by the seashore as the sun sets around you. The land around you is as black as the night. It is like everything dies down for the sun to set. The grass you sit on towers above you, as if you are a two story building with skyscrapers encircling you. The crisp air is attracted to you as it smashes into your body. The smell of the sea rushes up through your nostrils. The stench of sea water is so bad that you could almost taste it. The sound, in a way, is like that of the sounds of a busy road. The insects come out in the night, which may be irritating, but they are only doing their job. The sound of the seaside would be music to your ears. The relaxing sound of water, sloshing around as it comes together with the land. Each ripple is enough to summon the waves. Alone in the glistening light. The sunset is enough to brighten your life. Now envision it.
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1 comment:
I like your description a lot. I like the sentence, the stench of sea water is so bad that you could almost taste it. I also like the part aboutthe skyscrapers encircling you. However, I think that you made it a little too obvious that you are trying to use sensory detail because it is like you just go through the five senses and then you are done. I would work on making it flow together a little bit better. One way that you could do this is to take out the words sound, see and smell and just describe. The reader can figure out how they are discovering the fact you are telling them, whether it is smelling or seeing etc. I also would work on a better opening line because it is kind of boring and cliche. Also, I don't really like the last sentence because as I am reading I am already envisioning it and I am kind of in the picture, which is because of your strong description. Yet, then you pull me back out and tell me to envision it, and I already was doing that. Overall you did a very good job!
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